September 27, 2009
TROUBLE TRAINING CAT TO COMPREHEND COMPLEX EMOTIONS
DEAR T-REX: I'm four of eighteen weeks into some very intensive training programs for my cat. So far he hasn't learned anything. He can't juggle, use sharp knives, order pizza, stay in one place, comprehend complex emotions, do impersonations, entertain dinner guests, not lick my nose, etc. What am I doing wrong? Is it possible my cat is just a big dumb face? -Paul Ryan III
DEAR PAUL RYAN III: Successful training incorporates both positive and negative reinforcement. Next time your cat does not empathize with your feeling of contempt, or verbosely tells a boring story to dinner guest, try choking him or hitting him with a bat; if he juggles or does an impersonation well, reward him with a kitty treat.
CARNIVORE HAS BEEF WITH VEGETARIANISM
DEAR T-REX: Once in a while when I go out to eat with friends I find myself, out of no intent of my own, eating vegetarian. I know it's wrong, but sometimes it just happens.
I'm extremely distressed! Next thing you know I'll be wearing canvas shoes and swearing off fossil fuels.
What should I do? -Conflicted Carnivore
DEAR CONFLICTED CARNIVORE: I once had a similar problem but prevented inadvertent vegetarianism by always carrying with me a shaker of bacon-bits. That way I can sprinkle bacon onto ice cream, self-righteousness and tofurkey when there are no other meat options. You may also consider eating your friends, as I assume they are made out of meat.
